Welcome back, my dear Homesickness.  You left me for a while and I was okay, but now you've crept back into my life and things are exactly as they were a year ago.  You leave me feeling empty.  You hurt me over and over again.  It's horrible and here's the worst part - I almost like it.  I was happy without you, but now that you're back I almost don't want to try and live without you.  I'd rather be with you and stuffer.  It is selfish, I know.  My head tells me that by clinging to you I'm missing out on wonderful things.  But I hurt.  I hurt so bad, and clinging to you reminds me of how badly I hurt and makes my tears seem justified.  I want all you stand for.  I want my mom.  I want my house.  I want my bestfriends.  I want the ocean.  I want warmth.  I want sunshine.  I'm sick of gray.  I'm sick of cold.  I'm sick of not being with the people I love dearly.  I'm sick of being lonely.  Saying I'm lonely sound absurd.  I have friends here and I am almost always surrounded by people.  I love them and they love me.  But they aren't the people I count on with my life.  They aren't who I call at 2am when I need something.   You're back for a while and I think that if it is okay with you then I will just cling to you.  A few more days are all I need for you to wrap your arms around me and envelop me with you isolation and pain.    

  I remember being in 8th grade and taking Mrs. Drake for the first time.  In her language arts class we learned literary terms as we read books like The Outsiders and The Giver.  One of the terms we learned was "theme".  Mrs. Drake explained that the "theme" of a book or story was the "central message".  She said the theme was the main point the author was trying to communicate -- the thought that drives the story-- almost like the moral of the story. 

  I explain that to say that for some time lately I just haven't been able to be fully present in God's light and love.  There has been something always drawing part of me away, like my focus was off and my vision hazy.  And, like always, I had no idea why.  Then, while singing the hymn "there is a fountain" on Sunday the reason hit me.  The fourth verse (in the previous post) says "E're since, by faith, I saw the stream thy flowing wounds supply / redeeming love has been my theme and shall be till I die".   My theme has been wrong.  For the last who-knows-how-long my central message, the thought that drives my story, has not been God's Redeeming love.  It has been my own selfish desires.  While I would "try" to be fully present before him, I kept thinking of all the other things I needed, no, wanted to do. 

  Sometimes I forget the magnitude of His love and sacrifice.  Sometimes I fail to realize the hugeness of the fact that Jesus became flesh and willingly died a horrific death so that the Father would be able to see me, Mary Alice, as blameless and pure.  But at moments like now, when I remember what He did for me, my pulse quickens and my stomach ties in excited knots because I know how much he loves me.  And when I realize this, my theme truly does become his Redeeming Love.  It's amazing how when the main point I'm trying to communicate is His Redeeming Love I am suddenly able to sit and be fully present at his feet in worship.